Secrets Made Un-Secret
by tt22123
Summary: Snarry relationship where Harry pulls away whenever they start to do anything. Snape thinks it is him, only Harry knows any different. TW. Self Harm I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters within.
Severus' hands felt amazing as they slowly caressed Harry's skin, goosebumps rising as his fingers ghosted gently over his torso. The man's hands slowly began their journey south until they reached the hem of Harry's top. Fingers slipped under the edge enabling him to reach the smooth expanse of Harry's stomach, feeling the way his toned muscles relaxed under the long, slender fingers roaming his skin. Keeping his fingers upon his younger partner's skin he- ever so slowly- lifted the fabric up the lithe body, revealing more of the younger man's creamy skin before his eyes.

Upon reaching Harry's shoulders with the top, he began moving the material down his arms. The moan brought forth from Severus' lips at the sight of sheer perfection before him, in the form of his ex-student, broke Harry from his trance, realising what it was that Snape was about to see.

Harry knew that he loved Snape with all of his heart. That was why he waited for him for seven long years after the war. That was why he had never been with anyone else, in a serious relationship or just for casual sex, not that Harry was that type anyway. That was why he couldn't be with the man, he couldn't let the older male be hurt by what he would discover if they went any further.

Harry suddenly moved himself to the other end of the couch that the two of them had been occupying while hastily pulling his top back down. Breathing heavily, feeling shame rise up his throat in the form of bile, Harry slowly lifted his eyes to peek at Severus through his hair to see if he had upset the other man, the only person he truly cared about. Harry saw the hurt flash in Severus' eyes before his old teacher placed his head in his hands while he elbows rested upon his knees, effectively shielding his face from Harry.

The silence was thick and the tension in the room could've been cut with a knife as the two men simultaneously began to speak with barely a whisper, "I'm sorry." Snape's voice seemed to be tinged with anger and disappointment while Harry's was with fear and apprehension. Upon hearing Harry's shaking voice as he said those two words Severus' thoughts immediately turned to wondering why the boy, well the man now, would be talking to Severus with such a tone.

'He probably thinks that I was going to make him do things that he didn't want to do. Stupid man, Harry has never been with anyone- man nor woman- before. Of course he is going to be nervous. He clearly isn't ready for that to happen with us. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so selfish? This is the one person who forgave all that I did in the past because he loved me and then I go and try to push him into what he clearly isn't ready for.' Snape continued his mental berating of himself for almost ten minutes, not realising that the fear in the person sat on his couch with him had turned to worry as he watched the anger grow in Severus' face.

"I'm sorry Sev," spoke Harry with his voice barely making a sound however he knew that Severus would hear him due to his many years of being a spy during the war. This whispered confession broke Severus out of his trance, making his eyes snap straight towards his boyfriend.

"What for hun? You don't need to be sorry, it is I who should be sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you when I know that is not what you want. I knew that you would not want to continue on that path and yet still I carried on. I'm sorry Harry, it's my fault."

"Sev, I do want that with you, I want to spend my entire life with you and do everything with you by my side during that time, I just- I can't Sev. I know that once we go any further you won't want to be with me any longer. That's what I'm scared of. Not sex, but of you leaving me because of what you may find out." Snape's eyes widened as Harry was talking, wondering what on earth his love could be holding back from him and why Harry was so scared to let him in. To let him help.

"Harry-" Severus began before being interrupted by said man.

"I think I should go. I'm sorry. I'll be upstairs when you decide to come up." Harry said seeming resigned to that fate, as he reached the stairs he quietly added to his previous statement- "if you decide to come up."

Severus heard this and teared up listening to the waver in his young beau's voice when he had voiced his thoughts that he was thus far unsure of whether Snape would stay with him, whether he would put up with all of the secrets.

Upstairs, Harry went into the bathroom, removed his top, then- taking his wand from his pocket- cast the incantation that would cancel out the glamours that Harry had placed on his body so that his secrets stayed that way.

Harry's once perfectly smooth skin was now marked and scarred in such a way that he knew even the best healers wouldn't be able to take it back to its previous state. Not that he'd want them to. His scars were a part of him- detailing all the events of his life; every person who had died because of him or who had sacrificed themselves for him, every beating from his family that had left him wondering what was so wrong with him, every time he had cause Ron or Hermione or one of his other friends to get hurt, the time he had used Sectum Sempra on Draco, and every time he had ever pulled away when Severus wanted to do something with him.

He knew that the worst of all of his scars were just below his collar bones where Vernon had carved the word 'FREAK', after finding out about Harry's coping mechanism when he'd passed out after a beating, and the various marks across his back, all caused by his so called 'loving' family.

Harry picked up his wand once more and transfigured the small bar of soap from next to the sink into a razor blade- allowing the addition of his latest punishment for becoming fearful with Severus that day. He placed the blade on his left wrist and applied a small amount of pressure- just enough to break the skin. The relief was immediate but he needed more, he pushed the blade in deeper before dragging the small, seemingly harmless, piece of metal across several of his other scars, having run out of unmarred flesh.

Harry let out a shaky breath that he didn't even know he'd been holding in as his fears disappeared, flowing down the drain with his spilled blood. He knew that Severus would be distraught if he ever found out what his young love was going to himself. Harry didn't realise that he had been sobbing, and that he had forgotten to cast a silencing charm, until he heard the frantic knocking on the door.

"Harry, love, are you okay in there? Has something happened? What's wrong love? Please let me in, let me help." Severus had rejoined reality when he heard the heart-wrenching cries coming from upstairs. Taking the stairs two at a time until he reached the room from which the noises were coming. "Unlock the door Harry, if not I'm coming in. I need you to be okay." Severus pleas began again as a shout but he soon quieted, the last sentence a quiet beg to whoever could be listening.

As soon as Harry heard Severus' voice and pounding on the bathroom door he quickly grabbed his wand and healed his latest cut until it showed as a silvery line, camouflaged amongst the many others and then recast his glamours upon his body. Once that was done he turned and opened the door, noticing the relief that washed over his partner's face at seeing that Harry was okay and seemingly unharmed. Well he was, wasn't he, he wasn't injured, anymore.

Snape instantly pulled Harry towards him and into a tight hug. He didn't let go of him for a few minutes, just breathed into the younger man's shoulders. Harry suddenly tensed in Severus' arms as he remembered that he had forgotten to change the razor blade back into the bar of soap and that the steel was still sitting bloodied on the edge of the sink. Severus felt Harry tense all of his muscles and opened his eyes to look at his partner, only to spot what he couldn't believe that he had previously missed. Resting on the sink was the bloody metal, the unmistakable shape of a blade so like the ones that he had used as a teenager.

Severus prayed to anyone who could hear that it was not what he was thinking. Harry meanwhile was praying that Severus wouldn't figure out what he had been doing. Unfortunately for all, both of them knew that their prayers would not be answered on this particular occasion.

"Harry-" was once again all the man could get out before Harry pulled away from his arms and retreated back into their bedroom.

This time Severus did not allow himself to go into his own mind. This time he decided that he would follow Harry without hesitation. This time he flicked his wand as he walked out of their bathroom, cleaning the sink of blood and vanishing the blade. He crossed the hallway and walked into the room he had shared with Harry for the last year.

The younger man was stood facing the window, looking out over the gardens that he and Severus had designed, with his back to the door. Severus could see the boy's shoulders shaking as he crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Harry, resting his chin on the smaller man's head. They stayed that way until Harry stopped crying and turned around so he could look into Severus' face. Seeing the tear tracks upon his cheeks, Harry knew that he had upset his love, and hurt him so very deeply.

"Sev, I- I'm so- so sorry. I know that- well, I know that you will probably- definitely hate me for this. I'm just a freak. But know this, I love you so much that it hurts. Not as much as the thought that you now know that I'm a freak, a pathetic freak, and that you might leave me, that you should leave me. You deserve so much better than me, I'm a waste of space, not worth the air that I breathe. No one, not even you, could ever hate me as much as I hate myself. But your hatred would hurt me more than my own ever could. I'm sorry." Harry started out his speech strong, it with a slightly wavering voice at first, however throughout his voice slowly became a whisper. A secret confession that Harry had not wanted to ever have to say.

"Harry, you don't need to apologise. You need to stop this. I need you to stop. I know that it is hard but it can be done. You can do it. I love you and I believe in you. You most definitely are NOT a freak, you are mine, and I am yours. You are Harry James Potter. You are perfect exactly as you are. But that is why I could never lose you, why I could never leave you. I love you Harry. You are worth everything that I could ever dream to give you, and so much more. You are definitely not a waste of space. My darling, you are the absolute best use of the space that you occupy. There is no one and nothing that I would rather sit and relax with, I would rather hold in my arms, I would rather fall asleep at night with, that I would rather love. I could never hate you Harry, for doing so would cause me great pain for having hurt you and for having to be apart from you. I need you to believe me when I say this to you, you have no reason to hate yourself, if you have to hate someone, hate me. If you need to hurt someone, hurt me, for I would take all the suffering in the world to make sure that you never have to feel pain, for you to never have to feel as if this is something that you should resort to."

Harry began silently crying as his true love said these words to him. Sure in their year together he had heard Severus make mini speeches, which shocked him considering how frostily the man treated him as his student, but never had they been filled with raw emotion in every word that he uttered.

Harry didn't know what to say to this declaration, instead he tried to show what it meant to him with his body. His left hand twisted into Severus' robes while the right was placed at the nape of his neck. He then locked eyes with Severus and slowly pulled the man down towards himself, before brushing his lips gently against the potion masters. The latter understood what it was that the younger man was trying to get across to him, that his words were welcomed. He slowly pulled back from the kiss so that his forehead rested against that of Harry's.

Severus pulled Harry with him as he moved to sit on the bed, leaving Harry stood in front of him for a second with their hands still connected before pulling Harry down so he was sat on Severus' lap, face curled into the older man's shoulder. Subconsciously Severus began rubbing small circles on Harry's back causing the young man to relax more. Both of them knew that they would have to talk about what had been discovered but not at the moment. Severus slowly shifted back on the bed until he was sitting against the headboard but making sure that he never stopped drawing the soothing circles. Severus knew that Harry was relaxed when his breathing began to even out as he drifted into a peaceful sleep. He was still loath to move the younger man from his lap claiming that it was simply because he didn't want to wake his boyfriend (although that term never seemed right to either of them, for they were so much more), however he knew that it was really because he needed the contact, he needed to know that Harry was safe, that he was alive, that he was really there and not just a dream.

They stayed seated that way long after the sun had set and the day had ended. Severus could feel himself getting tired but refused to let himself fall asleep so that he could be there to prevent anything from hurting his love.

Harry woke with a start at 3 in the morning, only to find that Severus was still awake watching him, still drawing circles on his back.

"You slept for 8 hours, you needed it so I didn't want to move you," Severus said.

"Have you slept at all?" Harry asked Severus with doubt in his mind and sleep still evident in his voice.

"No, I had to make sure that you were okay. How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. I'm sorry. I'm tired, even though I just slept for 8 hours. I'm scared. Take your pick. How are you?"

Severus decided to ignore Harry's question for the moment and so simply said, "go back to sleep if you are tired still then my love. And you have nothing to worry about."

"Only if you join me Sev. I know that you care for me but I care for you too. Lay with me, sleep, please?"

Severus couldn't resist the man's plea and so he shifted so that Harry was laying on the bed before laying beside him and wrapping his arms tightly around the other man, protecting him from the world outside. When the two of them sighed and then yawned in perfect synchrony Severus let out a quiet chuckle before bidding Harry a goodnight and placing a small kiss where his neck joined his shoulder, drifting off into a peaceful sleep he only ever managed with Harry around.

It was 8 o'clock when Severus woke up feeling better for having had some sleep, but dreading the talk that he was going to have to have with Harry. Upon thinking of his love he looked down at the man who had turned over in the night to rest his head over Severus' heart with an arm flung across his waist and one leg stretched out across the two belonging to the potions master. This sight caused a slight smirk to appear on his lips, if anyone had said to him 15 years ago that he would be with Harry Potter he would have had them sent straight to St. Mungo's and yet now he couldn't imagine life without Harry. 

Nearly half an hour later Harry woke up and stretched, arching his back as far as he could before curling back up on Severus' body. 

"Morning Sev." 

"Morning gorgeous." 

"Mmmm, I could get used to that title." 

"Oh really?" Severus asked unable to keep the smile from gracing his features as it so frequently did nowadays since Harry had found him again a year ago. 

"Oh yes, my prince. Very much so." 

"My prince?" Growled Severus, voice seeming thick with desire. "Does that make you my princess, or my damsel in distress?" 

"I was told once that every prince has a princess, but that some princes prefer another prince. That's what I am. I don't need rescuing from a tower or some evil beast that is guarding me. I can look after myself, I just prefer to look after others. I am not someone who is waiting for a man to come along and swoop me off my feet. I've already got my man and had him swoop me off my feet. My Half-Blood Prince." Harry decided that he should enlighten why he chose that particular name for his love. Not because of some story or because of his wish for a man or to become royal. But because this man had already made Harry fall hard and fast in love with him, and because he felt that he should subtly drop in why he was significantly improved in potions in his sixth year. 

Severus' attention was most definitely caught when Harry had begun telling him that story of some Princes not having a princess, but instead having a prince themselves. He remembered the day clearly that he had visited Lily and Harry one day when James was at that mongrels house, Black. He remembered Lily saying she had to pop out and requesting that Severus look after her baby boy who at the time was only five months old. He remembered reading Harry a book about Princes and Princesses and then telling him about how some men like men. He never for a second thought that would be something that the baby would remember well into his twenties. He was brought out of his thoughts when he had heard Harry call him 'Half-Blood Prince'. 

"Where did you hear that?" Severus asked quietly. 

"It- it was in the, umm, the potions book that I was- that I was permitted to use during Slughorn's potions lessons. I recognised your writing. I knew it to be you who the title referred to. Sorry." 

"You have nothing to be sorry for, although I knew you hadn't improved that much over the summer, it was just a shock to hear you say it. However, I meant the story about Princes and Princesses, where did you hear that?" 

Harry relaxed realising that Severus was not mad about the books but curious about the tale. "I don't know who told me it I'm afraid. I know that I was very young, a few months probably. I remembered it when practising sorting memories to shield my mind. I know I was crying in my crib and someone read me a story to calm me down, I can't remember what that story was, simply that the man's voice was almost like silk and it calmed me down. Once the book was over they told me that no matter what anyone said when I was growing up about how being gay was wrong I knew that it couldn't be because of that tale and how much my mum must have loved and trusted that man enough to leave me with him, he couldn't have been lying." 

Harry told Severus of the only memory he had of being a baby other than the death of his mother. He had never told anyone before but at the look on Severus' face and the lone tear that had made its way down his face made it seem as though Severus already knew this. 

"You thought my voice was like silk?" Harry looked shocked at this comment as it clicked into place. "And you're right, you were young. You were five months old when Lily asked me to look after you for a bit while she went out as your dad was visiting Black."

After regaling Harry with the full story of what happened that day that Harry never forgot they decided to go downstairs for some breakfast even though it was nearly 11 in the morning.

The two men ate their food in silence as both thought of what had happened the night before, and what that meant was to be said in the conversation to come. 

"Why?" was all Severus managed to say when he had finished eating but even that word had to be forced with all the worry threatening to choke him. 

Harry sighed and looked down at his now empty bowl trying to think of what he could say. 

'He stayed last night but that gesture was probably just done of pity. I know he will leave if I tell him the truth. He will want to kill my only living relatives if he sees the damage they did to me. What do I tell him? I don't know what to say.' 

"Say the truth. Just tell me why. Please." Upon seeing Harry's confusion at his answer he simply queried, "did you not realise you said 'I don't know what to say'?" 

"I'd said it in my head, I hadn't realised that I voiced it out loud though. Sorry." Harry have a sheepish smile knowing he would have to be more careful as the conversation progressed. 

The room went quiet again while Harry figured out what to say to his love. 

"It helps me think when everything gets too much. It allows me to pay penance for my sins. It enables me to forget the past and the things that have happened. It calms me down when I'm stressed. It gives me control of something when I've never had anything else in my life."


End file.
